A year ago...

A year ago, I was in Paris, getting ready to go to Chad for the first time. I was excited and scared at the same time. I didn't know what to expect, but I was certain the experience would change my life forever. It did. 

It's impossible to convey the range of emotions I experienced in those 2 months. Joy, anger, happiness, helplessness, sadness, awe, excitement, gratefulness. I learned a lot on those two months, not only about medicine, but about life, about myself, my limits, my capabilities. 

I left saying I would go back. I know some people didn't believe me, but I always keep my word: today I bought my tickets. I am going back to Chad for 2 months, January and February 2016. 

I can't wait!! 

If you're the praying kind, please pray for me on this journey through medical school, and for Dr. Scott and Bekki, who are there on the frontlines, giving their all to serve others. 

Birthday thoughts

A friend of mine posted on my facebook page, a week ago, a happy birthday message saying she was posting ahead of time, so as to not add to the pain of reminding me it's my birthday. You see, I used to hate my birthday. *Hate it.*

But that's because I wasn't doing what I wanted. I was unhappy with my life, and every year that passed was only a reminder that I was wasting time, burning oxygen in a life without purpose. And that was painful. 

I actually remember a birthday where I had a party and finished crying on the couch on the shoulder of another friend, while the party went on around me. True story. Said friend might even ve reading this. 

Today finds me in a good place. I just scored a very expensive med book for a third of the price, and that makes me happy. I'm at Starbucks drinking a delicious mocha and they got my name right. I am doing what I have always known in my bones that I wanted to do. I have a beautiful apartment, a lot of close, good friends, people I love both near and far, and I am happy. 

Age doesn't matter. It's a number. What matters is that you are doing what you want, what gives purpose and meaning to your life. And as I've read not too long ago,

"Don't begrudge growing old. It is a privilege denied to many."

Hospital -- day 1

Now that I'm done with 1st semester, I can start going to the hospital. I'm technically on vacation, so I don't *have* to go anywhere. I want to. 

So I went, and made myself useful right away. It was great to see how they accepted my presence there and didn't make me feel like I was annoying or useless. 

Sure, the when the doc asked if I knew how to do an EKG, I looked at her blankly and apologized that I did not. She didn't blink though, just called an upper-level med student and told him **to show me**!!! Before that she had also heard a clinical arrhythmia and gave me her stethoscope so I could hear it too. And I did!!! 

I also came up with the diagnosis on my own. In my head, I didn't share it with the doctor. But she told me and what I had thought of was correct!! The patient had a bowel obstruction, not really that complicated to figure out, belly pain, not passing gas or stool for 5 days, big lump on belly. But it felt great to actually know what was going on!! 

The cause of the obstruction however, was still unknown. We handed the patient over to gen. surgery and they were going to get image studies to see what was going on in there. 

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all an update. This doctor thing is awesome. 

I'm definitely going back to the hospital next week!! :) 

Untapped

Today I got my last grade for the 1st semester of Medical School. It might seem like not such a big deal, but to me, it is huge. My school works a little differently than most: we have 2 midterm exams and then continuous evaluations that take homework, group projects and class participation into account, for each class. If we do well enough on all of those things, we don't need to take one FINAL exam of the semester, which is a monster exam with ALL the material of the ENTIRE semester for EVERY class.

I do not have to go to final exam. That makes me happy. It also makes me extremely relieved!!

However, I just saw a video that made me think: I shared a couple of months ago that even after I started med school, I was afraid I wouldn't cut it. I never doubted that this was what I was born to do... but was I good enough? Then there was a day when I realized I could do it, and I'll never forget it. But maybe there are other people out there who feel what I felt. Fear of not being good enough. Afraid to try because you don't want to fail.

Well, this video should speak straight to you. Don't be afraid. Work hard. If you want something hard enough, and you work hard enough and you don't give up, YOU CAN DO IT! Seriously! I did it. You can do it too.

Here's the video:

Thinking...

A few days ago I came across a list of questions which supposedly create intimacy between two people, even strangers. That's not the point of this post. The point is, one of the questions was "If you knew you were going to die in a year, would you keep doing what you're doing now, or would you change something about your life?"

And my immediate answer was "I would be on the next plane to Tchad, helping people and making sure my life mattered."

That brought up a few things, as you can imagine. I have a giant exam in a few days, and that's obviously stressful. And I do know why I'm doing this. Med school. I am quite clear on that, and I'm enjoying it. But... wouldn't my time be better spent learning by doing?

I don't ever want to feel what I felt when Salomé died in front of me in Tchad. I still tear up when I think of it. But is 6 years of book learning better than going off to the bush right now and seeing first hand... everything? Is a framed piece of paper (diploma) really better than 6 years of learning by actually working with patients and saving people on a daily basis?

In case you're wondering, I'm actually doing pretty damn good in med school. That's not why I'm thinking about all this. I just really miss Tchad, and all this book learning so far has taught me nothing I can use *in Tchad.*

I need to actually *do* something here pretty quick. I love books, but I'm going stir crazy.

Thoughts, anyone?

Last week of 1st semester

Hey guys,

Sorry for the radio silence. Med school kicked into super-sonic high gear lately, and I've barely had time to breathe. We had a major problem with our community, they were going to close the health center where we go!! But by sheer luck, we managed to talk to the right person at the right time and prevent it from closing (major win!!!)

I also had my mom for a visit, which is great, but eats up a lot of my time and it's not what you want, 10 days before finals. 

This week we have a million things to turn in, I'm currently on a bus to the community where we're giving a workshop to the school about sexuality (community has high rate of teenage pregnancies) and next week we get our "continuous evaluation" grades which will in part determine whether we have to take giant monster cumulative exam in  July or not. 

To say I'm stressed out is an understatement. 

But such is the joy and the pain of med school. Work hard. Help people. Sleep when you can. And we already accomplished more than I ever thought we would, with the health center. 

All in all, my first semester of med school flew by. It's tough, but that was expected. I'm loving it. 

Cross your fingers for me, so things go well on finals!!! :) 

The thing about stress...

We've been seeing a lot of things about stress lately, and how much it affects your quality of life, mental health and physical health in general. In Uruguay, the leading cause of death for those above 40 years old is cardiovascular problems.

Well, high levels of stress cause high blood pressure, increased heart rate and even mess with your cholesterol levels. Stress also disrupts sleep, which is what the body needs to recuperate and keep us healthy and sane. And I guess there's no need to mention that stress also damages our mental health and influence our lifestyles in a negative manner (people who smoke and/or drink, usually smoke and/or drink more when they're stressed, don't have time to exercise or relax, etc.)

For the two weeks before my exam, I was very stressed. I wrote about this a couple of posts down, but I didn't give many clear examples. You guys, I was really stressed. I was yelling at people for no reason. I was not sleeping well, which made me tired and cranky on top of stressed. It was not good. And the worst part was that I knew I really didn't have to be that worried about the exam, because I had been studying and knew the material, but I could not reassure myself.

So this time, I am trying to do things differently. I have 3 1/2 weeks before my second midterm, and my goal is to not become a horrible stressed out person. I made myself a schedule and I'm keeping strictly to it. It includes time to relax, time to go for a walk/run, time to see friends. Obviously, it includes lots of time for studying. But I think that if I keep to my schedule and remember that my study techniques apparently work (so far, cross your fingers!), I can keep the stress at bay and make it through the exam and on to my month off in July (here's hoping!).

This schedule, of course, may not be the "stress cure" for everyone, but I think it might work for me. I just want to encourage each of you, whether you're a med student, doctor, nurse, or nothing at all related to medicine, but as all human beings, still vulnerable to the stress of life: Try different things and see what works for you. There are lots of different things that can help with stress management, and definitely improve your health and quality of life. Your present and future self will thank you. Chances are, your friends and family will too.