A moment of truth...

So here we go... 

I think **one** of the reasons I didn't go to med school earlier, is because I was afraid I'd never get in. I'd never make it, so I might as well not try. 

When I was a freshman in college, I was the TA for my chemistry class, and I got a C in one of the lab write ups. The teacher, an old German dude, came to me when I was working in his office and said "you think you can get into med school with C's? You can't. You'll never make it." Folks, it was a lab write up. I did NOT get a C in that class, but the damage was already done. His words stuck with me to this day, 15 years later. 

I eventually changed my life and decided to pursue a career in something completely unrelated to medicine. It was not because of what that professor said, but I am *sure* I would not have given up so quickly, if I hadn't had his words echoing in my head and that horrible feeling that I just couldn't make the cut. 

So I graduated, got a job in Germany, (one of those real, grown up jobs) and started to settle into "grown up" life. Until I realized I wasn't happy. That my job did not make me happy. That I was not making the world a better place, and if I wasn't there, at my job, nobody would even notice. 

That realization came when I was 29 years old. Not an easy moment to face, even in the best circumstances... 

So I had a mini life-crises, questioned everything, and realized that the only consistent dream I had ever had, was to become a doctor. And thought it was insane. Crazy. No way could I do it now! 

Luckily, I have a couple of really good friends, who heard my rants, held me while I cried, and assured me that yes, I could do it. That if it was really what I wanted, not only *could* I do it, but I *should* do it! 

That brings us to today. Getting into med school is not easy, and it actually took me a little while from when I made the decision to this day. I am in my first year of medical school. Until today, I wasn't really sure I could make it. Today that has changed. I belong here. I am not only going to be a doctor, I'm going to be a great doctor. Dr. F (the chem teacher)'s words may have done a lot of damage, but they weere not true. I'm here. I made it. And I'm not nearly done! 

Watch out world! :) 

There's a song that fits perfectly with this post: "Let it be" by Superchick -- check it out! 

The truth about Chad...

I have been hearing and reading blog posts about medical workers in Chad since 2006, when I met the doctor who had been leading the hospital I'm at until recently. He is now in Monrovia, Liberia-- the center of the ebola outbreak. But that's another story. 

My point is this: I was sort of prepared for how things were over here. Or so I thought... But really, nothing can convey the reality in an accurate way. 

Chad is without a doubt the most infuriating country I've ever been to (and we're at about 40 countries by now). They don't grasp the concept of honesty (we had to fire two nurses in one week because they were *stealing from the patients!!!*). They have no critical thinking, and do everything in the *one* way they were taught, without stopping to think that some things should be adapted to some situations. 

They are ashamed of the foley bags, so they hide them under the covers, and no matter how many times you tell them it needs to be lower than their bladders, it doesn't seem to matter. (I finally solved that problem with the brilliant idea of using pillow cases as pouches to tie to the bed and hide the foleys in!) 

However, here is the actual truth: I am loving it. It is infuriating, and it's really hard, and it's tragic sometimes, and not a day goes by without me wanting to cry at some point or another (I don't though.) 

But I get to scrub in on surgeries every day, and see the insides of people. I get to talk to patients and their families, explain procedures, battle infection and see progress, every day. I get to make a difference, even if it's in a small way, in the life and well-being of my patients. For example, remember my amputee lady? Her name is Irene. She was basically the only patient who always looked at me like I was evil, because I always do her dressing changes, which means I literally insert my entire index finger into her wound and wash it out with bleach, causing her inmeasurable pain. Her wound is healing nicely though, and I got rid of all the infection!! :) :) :) 

Well, yesterday afternoon, I came by and told her we were going to get her up and walking. AND SHE SMILED! I almost broke down... So sure enough, I get a walker and she stands up... in pain, a little light-headed, but she's vertical for the first time in 3 weeks!!! 

This is Irene, taking her first steps after losing her leg. I told her to look up and smile, and she actually did! 

We followed her with the wheel chair just in case she got tired, but yesterday she walked about 100 feet, and today she did 165 feet! 

I feel like I'm going around in circles, but what I wanted to say is this: don't think I'm a martyr, or that I'm amazing, or anything like that. I'm not. I have simply waited my whole life for this and being here, despite all the hardships, is actually a dream come true. I am here as much for myself as I am for them... 

...although I might rethink that next week, when ALL the westerners including Dr. Scott leave (there are 8 of us) and I stay here holding down the fort with only one Chadian doctor for help, guidance and company... I guess we'll see.