Med Student vacation: truth or myth?

Well folks, I successfully finished my 1st year of Medical School and don't have to do the monster final exam, which means I'm already on vacation. 

As it happens, I have traveled a lot, but barely know my own country. So I thought I'd start to rectify that and go to a beach town up the coast, called Punta del Diablo, which I heard was amazing. 

And amazing it was. Miles of sandy beach, not too many people but just enough, perfect weather, great food, fun company. What else could I hope for? 

The pictures don't do it justice, really. The sunset was just a fantastic explosion of color and seemed to last forever. It was so peaceful! I really needed that after the crazy semester I just finished. 

We even had a big fire on Friday night and just sat around talking and hanging out until the wee hours of the morning. 

Unfortunately, I only had a few days. I had to go back home to finish all the things I need to do before flying to Europe in 9 days and then on to Chad!!

However, what isn't my surprise when I'm coming back to the city today, and get a message saying that my group's poster was selected to receive an award and asking who could go next Tuesday to present it!! 

So yes, I am *technically* on vacation, but it never really stops. They own us and if they say "jump!" the most we can do is ask "how high?" 

Shouldn't complain though, we worked hard on this project/poster and it's nice to be recognized. 

But as the tittle implies: Vacation? What's that? 

Where has the time gone?

And here I am, less than 3 weeks from the end of my first year of Medical School. It seems like a dream. It went by so fast, I can hardly believe it. 

I have learned a lot, but it only makes me realize how much I don't know. How much of a privilege and at the same time how crazy it is, that one day people's lives will be in my hands. When I'm learning something I don't particularly enjoy, I remind myself that what I'm learning now may someday make the difference in saving someone's life. And when it gets hard and I'm tired and cranky, I remind myself that I've never been happier and never so sure that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. That gives me renewed courage and strength to keep going and push a little harder. 

I have also done very well in all of my classes. I won't deny that sometimes I panic and wonder if I can make it, if I have what it takes. It's hard to need validation from my grades and hardly be able to breathe after each test, until I get the results and let out a big sigh of relief. School has never been like that to me, but then the stakes were never so high. Though my previous studies were something I liked, they were not my true calling. They were not something I could not imagine my life without. Medicine is it for me. 

Here's to hoping the next few years go as well as this one. And as fast!! 

Inadequate

It's funny how we think we've left those bricks behind, we've accepted that we belong and that we can do this... and then one single test can make us doubt all of that and wonder what the heck we're doing here, and who was it that let us in in the first place. 

I had a huge exam a few days ago. I studied *like crazy,* I was totally obsessed and was confident I knew the material very well. Then I went to the exam, and it was awful. It felt like nothing I studied was in there. There were no simple question-answer things, for every question you had to think it through and come up with an answer. 

I came out feeling like an idiot, thinking I had failed and had no business being in Med School. 

How is it that one test can bring up all those feelings I thought I had left behind? Nevermind that I did very well last semester, one test just nullifies everything. 

And then, I actually get the grade back. Scared. Can't even look at it. And then: I aced it!! I didn't just do well, I did *very well!* I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I actually cried. Not really because I passed, but because I could shove all those feelings of inadequacy back to where they came from, and realize they're not based on evidence. They're based on fears. But no. I made it. I'm in. I'm doing well. I belong here, and nothing can stop me!!! 

Now it's back to studying so I can ace the next test. And the next one. And the one after that. 

Life cycles

Life's been good lately. So good that I haven't been writing much here. Isn't that usually how it goes? When there's too much going on, you don't have time to write.

I am now studying for exams later this week, and slowly starting to freak out. And procrastinating (by way of writing a blog post) is a sure sign of freaking out. 

 (How I feel under my pile of books)

I'm studying lots of biochemestry, you know, glycolysis, Krebs Cycle, Electron-chain transport, Fatty-acid oxidation, gluconeogenesis, etc. and there are a lot of cycles. Chain reactions. This thing activates that thing, which activates that thing... 

It all got me thinking about all the chain reactions that brought me here, right now. The domino-effect of our actions and decisions, that seemed so small and unimportant at the time, but have made us who we are and brought us to where we are. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm happy. Somehow all the dominos fell where they were supposed to--a place I could never have predicted--and the picture is complete. 

So besides the little stress of the moment which always comes with exam week, and the inevitable feeling of being overwhelmed, I have nothing transcendent to report. 

Happy life is boring from the outside. 😉

A year ago...

A year ago, I was in Paris, getting ready to go to Chad for the first time. I was excited and scared at the same time. I didn't know what to expect, but I was certain the experience would change my life forever. It did. 

It's impossible to convey the range of emotions I experienced in those 2 months. Joy, anger, happiness, helplessness, sadness, awe, excitement, gratefulness. I learned a lot on those two months, not only about medicine, but about life, about myself, my limits, my capabilities. 

I left saying I would go back. I know some people didn't believe me, but I always keep my word: today I bought my tickets. I am going back to Chad for 2 months, January and February 2016. 

I can't wait!! 

If you're the praying kind, please pray for me on this journey through medical school, and for Dr. Scott and Bekki, who are there on the frontlines, giving their all to serve others. 

Birthday thoughts

A friend of mine posted on my facebook page, a week ago, a happy birthday message saying she was posting ahead of time, so as to not add to the pain of reminding me it's my birthday. You see, I used to hate my birthday. *Hate it.*

But that's because I wasn't doing what I wanted. I was unhappy with my life, and every year that passed was only a reminder that I was wasting time, burning oxygen in a life without purpose. And that was painful. 

I actually remember a birthday where I had a party and finished crying on the couch on the shoulder of another friend, while the party went on around me. True story. Said friend might even ve reading this. 

Today finds me in a good place. I just scored a very expensive med book for a third of the price, and that makes me happy. I'm at Starbucks drinking a delicious mocha and they got my name right. I am doing what I have always known in my bones that I wanted to do. I have a beautiful apartment, a lot of close, good friends, people I love both near and far, and I am happy. 

Age doesn't matter. It's a number. What matters is that you are doing what you want, what gives purpose and meaning to your life. And as I've read not too long ago,

"Don't begrudge growing old. It is a privilege denied to many."

Hospital -- day 1

Now that I'm done with 1st semester, I can start going to the hospital. I'm technically on vacation, so I don't *have* to go anywhere. I want to. 

So I went, and made myself useful right away. It was great to see how they accepted my presence there and didn't make me feel like I was annoying or useless. 

Sure, the when the doc asked if I knew how to do an EKG, I looked at her blankly and apologized that I did not. She didn't blink though, just called an upper-level med student and told him **to show me**!!! Before that she had also heard a clinical arrhythmia and gave me her stethoscope so I could hear it too. And I did!!! 

I also came up with the diagnosis on my own. In my head, I didn't share it with the doctor. But she told me and what I had thought of was correct!! The patient had a bowel obstruction, not really that complicated to figure out, belly pain, not passing gas or stool for 5 days, big lump on belly. But it felt great to actually know what was going on!! 

The cause of the obstruction however, was still unknown. We handed the patient over to gen. surgery and they were going to get image studies to see what was going on in there. 

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all an update. This doctor thing is awesome. 

I'm definitely going back to the hospital next week!! :)