I've been back home for over a month. The first few days I had moments of crying hysterically for no reason, but then it stopped. As usual, I pushed it all down. Classes were starting, and 3rd year of medical school is no joke.
So every once in a while, I find myself staring into nothing, feeling numb, wondering why. Then I remember. Chad. Dead babies. Hysterectomies. Faint heartbeats getting slower, then stopping, while I listened, knowing there was nothing I could do.
These memories haunt me. I'm not thinking about them all the time, but one word, one picture of a healthy baby, and it all comes rushing back.
I'm not planning on going back to Chad, at least for a long while. And if I do, I'll try and steer clear of Ob/gyn. I can't handle it. It's too much for me. And like the advice on airplanes say, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. I'm no good for anybody if I'm broken.
So now I'm slowly putting myself back together.
