Inadequate

It's funny how we think we've left those bricks behind, we've accepted that we belong and that we can do this... and then one single test can make us doubt all of that and wonder what the heck we're doing here, and who was it that let us in in the first place. 

I had a huge exam a few days ago. I studied *like crazy,* I was totally obsessed and was confident I knew the material very well. Then I went to the exam, and it was awful. It felt like nothing I studied was in there. There were no simple question-answer things, for every question you had to think it through and come up with an answer. 

I came out feeling like an idiot, thinking I had failed and had no business being in Med School. 

How is it that one test can bring up all those feelings I thought I had left behind? Nevermind that I did very well last semester, one test just nullifies everything. 

And then, I actually get the grade back. Scared. Can't even look at it. And then: I aced it!! I didn't just do well, I did *very well!* I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I actually cried. Not really because I passed, but because I could shove all those feelings of inadequacy back to where they came from, and realize they're not based on evidence. They're based on fears. But no. I made it. I'm in. I'm doing well. I belong here, and nothing can stop me!!! 

Now it's back to studying so I can ace the next test. And the next one. And the one after that. 

Life cycles

Life's been good lately. So good that I haven't been writing much here. Isn't that usually how it goes? When there's too much going on, you don't have time to write.

I am now studying for exams later this week, and slowly starting to freak out. And procrastinating (by way of writing a blog post) is a sure sign of freaking out. 

 (How I feel under my pile of books)

I'm studying lots of biochemestry, you know, glycolysis, Krebs Cycle, Electron-chain transport, Fatty-acid oxidation, gluconeogenesis, etc. and there are a lot of cycles. Chain reactions. This thing activates that thing, which activates that thing... 

It all got me thinking about all the chain reactions that brought me here, right now. The domino-effect of our actions and decisions, that seemed so small and unimportant at the time, but have made us who we are and brought us to where we are. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm happy. Somehow all the dominos fell where they were supposed to--a place I could never have predicted--and the picture is complete. 

So besides the little stress of the moment which always comes with exam week, and the inevitable feeling of being overwhelmed, I have nothing transcendent to report. 

Happy life is boring from the outside. 😉