Inadequate

It's funny how we think we've left those bricks behind, we've accepted that we belong and that we can do this... and then one single test can make us doubt all of that and wonder what the heck we're doing here, and who was it that let us in in the first place. 

I had a huge exam a few days ago. I studied *like crazy,* I was totally obsessed and was confident I knew the material very well. Then I went to the exam, and it was awful. It felt like nothing I studied was in there. There were no simple question-answer things, for every question you had to think it through and come up with an answer. 

I came out feeling like an idiot, thinking I had failed and had no business being in Med School. 

How is it that one test can bring up all those feelings I thought I had left behind? Nevermind that I did very well last semester, one test just nullifies everything. 

And then, I actually get the grade back. Scared. Can't even look at it. And then: I aced it!! I didn't just do well, I did *very well!* I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I actually cried. Not really because I passed, but because I could shove all those feelings of inadequacy back to where they came from, and realize they're not based on evidence. They're based on fears. But no. I made it. I'm in. I'm doing well. I belong here, and nothing can stop me!!! 

Now it's back to studying so I can ace the next test. And the next one. And the one after that. 

A moment of truth...

So here we go... 

I think **one** of the reasons I didn't go to med school earlier, is because I was afraid I'd never get in. I'd never make it, so I might as well not try. 

When I was a freshman in college, I was the TA for my chemistry class, and I got a C in one of the lab write ups. The teacher, an old German dude, came to me when I was working in his office and said "you think you can get into med school with C's? You can't. You'll never make it." Folks, it was a lab write up. I did NOT get a C in that class, but the damage was already done. His words stuck with me to this day, 15 years later. 

I eventually changed my life and decided to pursue a career in something completely unrelated to medicine. It was not because of what that professor said, but I am *sure* I would not have given up so quickly, if I hadn't had his words echoing in my head and that horrible feeling that I just couldn't make the cut. 

So I graduated, got a job in Germany, (one of those real, grown up jobs) and started to settle into "grown up" life. Until I realized I wasn't happy. That my job did not make me happy. That I was not making the world a better place, and if I wasn't there, at my job, nobody would even notice. 

That realization came when I was 29 years old. Not an easy moment to face, even in the best circumstances... 

So I had a mini life-crises, questioned everything, and realized that the only consistent dream I had ever had, was to become a doctor. And thought it was insane. Crazy. No way could I do it now! 

Luckily, I have a couple of really good friends, who heard my rants, held me while I cried, and assured me that yes, I could do it. That if it was really what I wanted, not only *could* I do it, but I *should* do it! 

That brings us to today. Getting into med school is not easy, and it actually took me a little while from when I made the decision to this day. I am in my first year of medical school. Until today, I wasn't really sure I could make it. Today that has changed. I belong here. I am not only going to be a doctor, I'm going to be a great doctor. Dr. F (the chem teacher)'s words may have done a lot of damage, but they weere not true. I'm here. I made it. And I'm not nearly done! 

Watch out world! :) 

There's a song that fits perfectly with this post: "Let it be" by Superchick -- check it out!