Powerless

My head is reeling. I powerwalk through the city trying hard not to cry. There's a knot in my throat. I finally reach the solitary haven of my musty room. 

I don't know why it hit me so hard. It's not the first, and definitely won't be the last time I see this, but somehow I'm overwhelmed and powerless, just like I felt in Chad, when Salomé died. I want to save them all, but I know I can't. My heart breaks. 

This is what happened: after brunch today, I start walking around, looking at little shops. I see a pre-pubescent girl tie a ballon-animal around the waist of a giggling todler. I smile and keep walking, but somehow the toddler ran ahead of me and entangled herself in my legs. She is giggling. She lifts her arms, and without thinking, I pick her up and realize she is naked from the waste down. I turn around to see her sister smile and come to me. I put the baby down and before I know it, the sister is begging me for food. "No money," she says, "just food." I look at her friend, who is carrying another toddler, a little boy. I say "Ok, I'll buy you food." 

We sit at a restaurant, and I ask the waitress for a menu. It's an italian restaurant. My guest looks at the menu and points to a pizza. The waitress looks at me and I acquiesce. I order a coffee for myself and a bottle of water for them. I ask their names and they tell me, but they're too foreign and I can't pronounce them, much less remember them.

I ask how old she is, and she tells me 20, then 14. I think she's 12. I ask her if she goes to school, and she says no. I ask her why and she shrugs. She speaks good English. I get a book out of my purse and ask if she can read, she says no. She can spell the letters though, "T-H-E" but can't form the word. 

The food arrives, and these little girls pounce. The little boy is on the other girl's lap and she's giving him food. The little girl, the one who stumbled into my legs, is sitting on her own chair and reaching for the pizza. It's too hot, she's going to burn herself. I sit next to her and start slowly feeding her with my hand. 

Then comes a man, walking with his hands, his atrophied legs dragging behind him. I offer him a slice of pizza, and he accepts without words. I hand him a slice of pizza and smile. I try not to think of Chad, and Paulin, and wonder if there's a way to find this man a tricycle. 

He has a sign around his neck that says he's 35, has 5 kids and sells books as the only way to support his family. I resolve to buy a book after he's done eating. 

The little kids are not talking, they're munching down on pizza and looking at their plates. 

I ask to see his books, and he has "At first they killed my father," a true story from a survivor of the Khmer Rouge who watched her dad get killed. I wanted to read that anyway. I offer him $5 dollars and he accepts with a smile. 

The kids are almost done eating. I am going to burst into tears if I stay much longer. I ask them to look at me as I take a picture, hug them, and tell them to take care. I tell them to go to school. To read books. All of that is probably impossible, but I say it anyway. 

I wave goodbye and walk away, as fast as I can. 

This world is too unfair. Yesterday, I spent 14hrs without my iPhone, feeling miserable and planning to buy a new one already. I was ready to spend $600 dollars in a damn phone, and these kids have nothing to eat. 

I am crying now, in my room, feeling powerless and angry at myself. I have so much, yet I complain because of minor inconveniences. I feel guilty. I could do so much more. 

My heart breaks. I miss Africa. I miss being able to do something, even if not very much, to ease the pain. To bring comfort, healing, peace. 

I don't know what to do... 

It's the end of the year, and with it comes new challenges and resolutions. If you're reading this, may I suggest that one of your resolutions for this year is to help someone, at least once? And I don't mean give money to a begger or a charity. I mean you, actually helping someone. Offer a meal, and sit with them while they eat. Go help in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Volunteer at an orphanage, hospital, jail. Do something to better this world. If we all join forces, we can make 2015 a better world.